Having went on countless dates I’ve made a few observations I would like to share.
THERE HAS TO BE A CLEAR PURPOSE TO EVERY DATE YOU GO ON.
You have to have a clear understanding of why you’re going to spend several hours of your life with that woman. The more dates you go on the more it will become apparent that they consume a ton of your time! Think about it, you go on 3 dates a week, each lasting 1-4 hours plus the time to get ready for it, plus the time to get to/from the place. It could be anywhere from 8 to 20 hours of your life and if you’re not getting whatever you want out of the date it’s going to feel like a waste of time. Of course having a purpose for your date doesn’t guarantee you will always achieve it but at least you’ll know you’ve tried.
Ask yourself what is the expected outcome of your date? What do you expect to happen at the end of it? Are you expecting to set another date? Are you expecting to have sex with your date? Are you expecting to kiss your date? Are you expecting her to say she likes you? Whatever it is you expect you need to know it. Because when you do know what you want you have a higher chance of getting it.
Another reason it is important to decide on your date’s purpose is because the expected outcome of the date should determine how you plan your date and your actions during the date. For instance, if you’re looking for strictly sex you go out for drinks late in the evening. If you want to show how cultured you are take her to an art show. Granted you can get the same outcome out of both scenarios it’s just you’re less likely to get laid from a trip to the museum.
At first I was going on dates and just tried to make the girl like me. My dates had no real purpose or clear intent. Of course like any guy I wanted to have sex with the girl and maybe a relationship with her but those were just vague ideas. I was there “to talk and to spend time with and get to know her”. Today however my intent is always sexual. Why? At one point I realized that all of that talking and getting to know each other is nothing but a mating ritual. The culmination of that ritual is sex. And if there is no sex than the ritual is meaningless, a waste of time and effort. If I want to hang out with someone just for the fun of it I’d meet up with a friend.
Today I organize my dates so that they are promoting sexual intent. That’s why with rare exceptions I don’t do coffee shops or walks in parks etc. I don’t recommend doing that as a beginner though as you most likely don’t even know how to properly talk to women let alone demonstrate sexual intent.
Remember that men and women both want sex but their natures are pulling in the opposite direction. Male nature is to hasten sexual encounter while female nature is to delay it. It doesn’t even really matter why, it’s just the way it is.
There is a couple of reasons I want to have sex with my date as fast as possible. First, after having had sex with enough women I realized that a good share of them are not good at it. When I was a beginner I once overheard this guy say “she is not a good lay” about some girl. Back than it sounded like madness to me because when you hardly have any sex you tend to think of it as something special. Today I happen to agree with him just like not all men are good at sex same holds true for women. I would start seeing a girl for a few weeks and like her personality but then sex with her is a disappointment. All the time and effort I invested went to waste. Have we had sex sooner both of us would’ve been better off.
The other reason is that if it’s not going to work out within the first few weeks at least we’ve had sex. It’s usually something I find out about a girl I otherwise like that turns me off. For instance one girl tells me she had a one-night stand with an NFL player. Instant deal breaker for me. I would not be with a woman who slept with someone because they are a celebrity. It also works the other way, a girl may find out something about me that she doesn’t want to deal with.
Here is the thing, when I was less experienced I was content just hanging out with a girl without trying to get into her pants. If I was on a date with a cool chick that I felt a good connection with I just enjoyed spending time with her. Today I prefer to both have a good time and sex. And there is nothing wrong with that. It took me a long time to come to that realization. Wanting to have sex with a woman is a perfectly healthy and normal state of a man’s mind. A man should not be ashamed of that desire.
The thing about wanting sex is that a lot of guys are too obvious about it. As much as I love direct game and have practiced it for a while most women in my experience prefer a man to be implicit about his sexual intent. To illustrate, say you brought a bottle of wine to a friend’s house party and gave it to the host and said “thanks for inviting me, here is a bottle of wine for the party”. That would be perfectly fine. But if you brought the same bottle of wine and said “Thanks for inviting me, here is a $50 dollar bottle of wine for the party” it would totally ruin the gesture.
Same with wanting sex with the girl. You know and she knows that you want to have sex with her. But you shouldn’t explicitly state that instead everything you do should be suggestive of it, implicit. For instance, while talking to her look into her eyes longer than what’s considered appropriate for people who’ve just met. Make it longer each time you do it and see how she reacts. She may feel uncomfortable at first but if she holds your gaze she is acknowledging your sexual intent.
This is not to say you’re manipulating anyone into having sex with you. That’s utterly ridiculous. All you’re doing is facilitating it should such mood be present in your date. A girl knows whether she will have sex with you or not. Often she wants to have sex but would be inclined to withhold it for a multitude of both legitimate and nonsensical reasons. A girl once refused to have sex with me on the grounds of not having shaved her nether regions because she did not expect to end up at my place semi naked at the end of our first date which is a perfectly fine excuse for a girl. Your job is to make it easy for her to decide in favor of sex.
However if she doesn’t want to have sex with you there is nothing you can do or say to change her mind. Nor should you attempt that. If your date does not want to have sex with you don’t be a dick about it and respect their decision. It’s their right not to have sex with anyone they don’t want to. So leave them alone.
If a girl agreed to go on a date with you she already likes you enough to have sex with you. Not that she will, but the way you organize your dates can sway that decision it in favor of sex. It is more likely to happen if you’ve met her in person previously rather than online. Seeing someone’s photos is not the same as meeting them in real life. So if you’ve met her online than your first date maybe a little less likely to end in sex.
SO HOW SHOULD YOU PLAN YOUR DATE IF YOU WANT TO PROMOTE SEXUAL INTENT?
Ask girls out for drinks not a walk in the park. It’s perfectly normal to go out for drinks these days. Very little pressure and drinking makes interactions go smoother.
Propose a meeting time that’s pretty late for a date like between 10 and 11 p.m. and see what she says. If she agrees it’s a good thing. It means your date most likely will stretch into the night. If she doesn’t want to meet late then find something to do as a filler before heading to a bar.
Pick a venue that’s fairly close, ideally within walking distance of your place. That will greatly improve your chances but it’s not mandatory. Most people don’t live near popular bars/clubs so just consider cabbing the distance if you have to. I prefer to start at one bar and then walk over to another bar close by with a dance floor. Get a couple of drinks at the first place and then move next door (change of venue) and get her to dance with you. That is the easiest way to get physical with a girl.
The date has to give you opportunity to escalate physically. What is the easiest way to escalate physically? Dance floor/bar with a music on. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. I know a lot of guys are afraid of dancing. They think they need to be good. But that’s a huge misconception. Dancing, at least for the purpose of our conversation, is just an excuse for physical contact that otherwise would be inappropriate in a public setting.
Although I’ve been told I’m a good dancer all I really do is provide a masculine element. Masculine element on the dance floor is to lead. I lead with my hands and body holding a woman and touching her while she dances around me. It’s not rocket science. I don’t care what music is playing just take a girl at the waist and press her against your body and she will do the rest. They always do because feminine nature is to follow.
Talk to people around you be that other patrons or stuff to show that you’re sociable and that you don’t give a damn about how your date goes. You’re going to have fun regardless of the outcome. Especially talk to other girls around. Not excessively of course, no. Just occasional general chit chat to show that you’re not afraid to talk to women. Say you stand with your date by the bar and a couple of girls are trying to order drinks just chat them up. My favorite is to ask people “how do we look as a couple”. I would put my arm around my date and make it look like we are a couple and guess what nobody wants to be rude and they all will tell you look great together. Girls love that especially if it comes from another cute girl. To girls it’s important that you look good together.
Also as a general rule “Lead, lead, lead”. When you get to the bar don’t say “where do you want to seat?” instead say “let’s seat here” and go there. Ask her what she wants and order drinks. When you’re ready to move to the next place say “come let’s check this other place out”. I would usually bring it up somewhere in the conversation before by saying “have you heard of this place? It’s just around the corner, we should check it out later”. Always be in charge. Always lead. But again be flexible. Leading is not the same as ordering someone around. If you suggest a table for example and it’s next to a door and it’s cold outside she might suggest seating elsewhere. That would be a reasonable suggestion and you should move and not be a moron and insist on doing things your way. Employ common sense whenever possible.
DURING THE DATE DO SOMETHING TOGETHER.
Don’t just seat there talking to each other about each other. Start people watching, women love that. Just pick an interesting character from a crowd and start discussing it. You do that to make her feel like she’s known you forever. Because normally people don’t talk about other people unless they know each other well.
I remember the days when I was afraid of pauses in the conversation. I was petrified when they happened and they always happen no matter how experienced you’re. You just need to accept it as a natural thing and treat it as such. It’s not the end of the world. I would usually use those pauses to start some random conversation with people around us, or make fun of the awkwardness of it but today I use it as an opportunity to make a long suggestive eye contact with her. If she holds it and smiles back it’s a good sign.
Take your dates to places where you know the bouncers, specifically bouncers that man the door. I can’t describe what an impression it makes on women when you can get into a venue without having to wait in line. But do not tell your date that you can cut in front of the line. Go to the back of the line and then tell her to follow you to the door and get in. That is way more impressive than bragging about it.
If you don’t know any bouncers get to know them. I just make it a point to talk to them throughout the night. Ask their name befriend them and ask them what needs to be done to get in front of the line next time you’re out. Know that they make very little money – they make their living off tips.
Also get to know the bartenders so you don’t have to wait forever to order your drinks on a busy night.
Please have your apartment/house ready for a guest. It doesn’t matter much but it should preferably be in a decent shape.
A few more thoughts on dating.
Since there is no way to predict how the date will go you need to make sure you’re going to have fun regardless of the outcome. Once upon a time I would fill my head with worries of where should I take this girl, is she going to like that place, how do I impress her etc. Today I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do on a date. If she enjoys it great, if not I’m going to have a great time anyway.
A good way of screening girls on cold approaches is to set a date with them then and there. Set an actual date and time of meeting instead of getting a phone number. You will immediately be able to tell if she is really interested in seeing you again and not just giving you her number out of politeness. If she agrees on a date and time there is a much lower chance of flaking because people are more committed to promises given in person than over the text/phone.
Go on as many dates as you can even with women you are not particularly attracted to. Don’t worry women do that all the time too for practice and validation. The more dates you go on the more confidence you gain. You could (and probably should) be faking confidence in the beginning but it is largely a product of experience and is something best developed organically. The more dates I was going on the more I was getting confident in my ability to meet women so that each date did not bear much significance to me. I was not attached to the outcome as I used to be. That makes a huge difference because you stop acting as if you’re auditioning for her and otherwise demonstrating too much interest.
I do not consider a girl I’ve slept with on the first date not worthy of a relationship. I see these claims made quite often online. They are usually made by guys who think if the girl has slept with them she must do this all the time therefore she is a whore. They fail to realize how that opinion is but a reflection of themselves. What they are saying essentially is they are only capable of bedding girls for whom sleeping with guys on the first date is a normal thing. I’ve dated plenty of women I slept with on a first date, there is nothing wrong with that and it never makes me think less of them.
Do you know why guys say that? Because let’s be honest here 99.9% of all one night stands involve “7”s and under and “7” is probably stretching it. Most of the time both parties are drunk out of their minds as well. If you’ve managed to have a one-night stand with a Victoria secret model would you refuse to date her and dismiss her as a whore? I bet you won’t. The girls I go out with more often then not I am the only guy they’ve ever slept with on the first date. I know that not because they say so but because I was never able to do that as a novice and today I can. I just got better.